The words found me on my walk to the woodshed today, the words that I scoured my brain for all those days in Escuro Prison. When I say that they found me, it felt like they tapped me on the shoulder, only for me to turn around and be sucker punched in the face.

You would think the hardest moments of my life were during my incarceration in the world’s toughest prison. Escuro was notorious for putting its inmates through grueling physical labor, whilst simultaneously being exposed to extreme weather conditions. Below freezing temperatures in the winter and scorching heat in the summer that would make even an inch of exposed skin blister after a week of it beating down upon you. Not to mention the daily abuse from both the prison guards and fellow inmates.

And then there was the hunger. The hunger was the best and worst thing that could have happened to me. It was all-consuming. Every thought was thrust out of my mind and replaced with the need for any sort of sustenance. Some inmates turned to eating the rats that cohabited with us. Those inmates did not last long. Eating the raw meat from nojenta-infected rodents was a sure way to guarantee a long and painful death. Perhaps that was a preferable outcome for some.

But at least the hunger kept the memories at bay. There have been periods since gaining my freedom where I haven’t eaten for weeks on end, just as a method of distraction. But as the years have gone by, I’ve found the memories visit less frequently.

When I joined the Sibilando tribe, I believed I was beyond anyone’s help, too damaged to live a life worth living. But as I began to learn their ways and embrace their traditions, I slowly started to feel more human again. Less fractured. More whole.

The dancing was the biggest comfort. I went 15 years without allowing rhythm to touch my soul. Until the first day of the Verao Festival. Ahead of the festival, I was allowed to observe the routines and how each member of the tribe interacted and flowed with one another. The thought of joining in sent a feeling of distress through my body, instructing my bones to contract and ache. Dancing felt alien to me after all this time. It felt wrong to express and feel joy.

As the festivities and dancing began, Abilio strode over to me a wooden chalice in each hand and offered me a drink.

I gladly accepted as panic had been pulsing through my veins for the past hour in anticipation of what was to come, sending my heart racing and my mouth had become stale and torrid. I drank the liquid down in one, desperate to quench my thirst, and reeled as the concoction slid down my throat. Abilio began laughing “I didn’t expect you to drink it all at once”.

“What is it?” I exclaimed, disgust filling my face.

“Alucinar, it’s a type of.. medicine. To help you release your worries and enjoy tonight. I thought Zacarius would have run you through the usual order of events.”

Everything instantly started to glow with more vibrance and definition from that moment. I smiled a half smile towards Abilio whilst trying to hold back vomit from creeping its way up my throat. “No, I think he failed to mention this part. Thanks for the drink. Have a good night.” I turned abruptly and began pacing towards the dining tent in pursuit of water. I hurried over to a table in the corner of the tent and clumsily swiped for a cup, knocking over a jug of water and flooding the table. I swiped the remnants of water from the table into my cup and drank it down desperately when Zacarius walked up behind me.

“Careful Sereia, there’ll be none left for the rest of us.”

I turned to face Zacarius, the room starting to tilt and swirl and pulse. Another half smile spread across my face.

Keep calm, and act normal. Don’t let them see you panic.

“How is the Alucinar serving you?”

“Quite fine. Thank you for your generosity. I’m looking forward to watching tonight’s events.”

“The dancing will start soon, you should come and join us.”

“No thank you, I don’t dance anymore. I’m happy to just observe from the sidelines.”

“If you say so. I’m sure that will be a whole different matter once the Alucinar kicks in properly.”

Zacarius flashed me a knowing wink and walked out towards the campfire to where the others were gathering and playing music. I took a few deep breaths to calm my nerves and followed, finding a wooden log to perch on by the fire.

Gazing into the fire, I started to hallucinate. I could see small black figures dancing in the fire to the beat of the music around me. The flames from the campfire joined the dancing beaming light onto the palms surrounding the camp. It felt like everything was dancing and vibrating to the beat of the music. I felt this overwhelming feeling of connection to everything and everyone around me. So much so, I began to feel nauseous again. I closed my eyes for what felt like a second to compose myself, and when I opened them again, I was dancing with the Sibilando tribe.

Mesmerised by the flow of their bodies, I observed and duplicated their movements, dancing all night long. With each step and twist and swirl, I began to feel lighter releasing the long-held sadness and anger I’d been holding close to my chest for so long.

That night dancing gave me back my power and spirit. Without it, I’m not sure where I would be right now. Everything became so much easier from then. Still, there are things that still linger. Memories that still haunt me. Things I still have to overcome. Voices that send words flying into the front of my mind, striking me with sharp blows.

I feel my time with the Sibilando has come to an end. I have healed all I can with them. It might break me to leave here, I might never find another place that feels like home quite like the Selvagem jungle. But I feel restless, I feel a pulling and a deep inner knowing that something else awaits me away from here and I’m ready to step out into the unknown.